When Teenagers Leave the Kitchen and Bathroom a Mess: Finding the Line Between Grace and Accountability
I love my teenagers. They are smart, passionate, and working harder than I ever did at their age. Between AP classes, after-school jobs, club sports, and volunteering at church, they’re juggling a schedule that would exhaust most adults. I see how hard they’re trying—and I genuinely admire their grit.
But I also see the trail they leave behind.
The bathroom sink is speckled with toothpaste. Hair ties everywhere. Crusted dishes in the sink from their room’s weekly sweep, wrappers and crumbs left on the counters, empty boxes in the pantry, wet towels and clean clothes on the floor—and the kitchen looks like a hurricane hit it, all before 9 p.m.
And I’ll be honest: some days it makes me want to pull my hair out.
I Don’t Want to Nag, But I Don’t Want to Be the Maid Either
I try to remind myself that when they forget to clean up after themselves, it’s not defiance—it’s often that they truly don’t notice. Their brains are juggling a million things. But I also don’t want them to walk through life unaware of how their actions impact others—especially in a shared space.
So the big question becomes: how do I help them see the mess—and care about it—without constantly playing the bad guy?
Why Teenagers Don’t Always Notice the Mess
This is where I’ve had to reframe the issue and consider what’s going on developmentally. Even high-functioning, responsible teens often struggle with executive functioning. That includes things like task initiation, organization, attention to detail, and follow-through. And when those systems are overloaded—by school, jobs, sports, or social stress—"cleaning the bathroom sink" just doesn't register as a priority.
Executive Function Coaching has been a game changer in helping teens build awareness and routines. It teaches them how to manage tasks, break things down into steps, and take ownership of responsibilities—even the small ones like taking out the trash or putting away laundry.
I’ve also come to realize that the ADHD brain actually functions better when it’s busy, but with structure. This insight really shifted my perspective. I no longer feel guilty when I ask my teenager to add one more small task, like coming back into the kitchen to clean up their mess after making a sandwich. It turns out, providing clear, structured expectations can help activate the brain’s need for stimulation without overwhelming it. In fact, a little extra task might just be the boost needed to keep things on track. You can read more about how the ADHD brain is more productive when busy in my recent blog post here.
What’s Working (Sort of) in My House
We’re far from perfect, but here are some practical strategies we’ve started using to help build better habits and awareness in shared spaces:
1. Make Mess Management a Social Opportunity
Want your teen to suddenly care about the state of the bathroom or kitchen? Invite people over. A cousin, a teammate, a family friend. It works like magic—suddenly there’s motivation to wipe the counter or pick up towels. It's not about shaming, but about natural accountability.
2. Ask, Don’t Assume
I’ve started asking them: “Do you feel like your space is working for you?” or “Would it help to get new storage bins or a shelf for your bathroom stuff?”
Often the answer is yes—but they haven’t thought about asking. Executive Function Coaching emphasizes collaborative problem solving. You’re not just correcting—you’re inviting them to create better systems.
3. Declutter Together
Every few months, we go through old clothes and junk drawers together. We make donation piles, toss what’s broken, and talk about what they still use. It helps reset their space and their mindset. It's easier to keep things clean when there’s less to manage.
4. Set Clear Contingencies
We’ve started tying certain freedoms to basic responsibilities. For example, “You can have your phone past 9:30 if the bathroom is clean and your dishes are done.”
It’s not a punishment—it’s a practical life skill. Privileges come with responsibility. Executive Function Coaching for teens often uses contingency planning as a natural motivator.
5. Praise, Reward, and Reinforce
When one of my kids does the dishes without being asked, I let them know how much that meant to me. Sometimes I’ll pick up their favorite snack or offer to pay for something unexpected. I don’t overdo it, but I do connect their help to the happiness and relief I feel: “It made my whole night when I saw the dishwasher loaded. Thank you—it felt like a hug.”
Small gestures build pride and reinforce the positive feedback loop Executive Function Coaches talk about all the time.
The Bigger Picture
I still lose my cool sometimes. I still step over wet towels and silently rage-clean sticky counters. But I’m learning that these moments are teaching opportunities—not just for cleanliness, but for life skills.
And if I can help my teens develop the tools to manage their space, take initiative, and consider how their behavior affects others, then we’re winning. Slowly.
If your teen is overwhelmed, scattered, or forgetful even when they’re clearly capable and driven, Executive Function Coaching might be worth exploring. It’s not just for school—it helps build systems for managing life. Curious if you or your child struggles with Executive Function? You can find more information here.
Final Thought
I want my teens to thrive in their classes, their teams, and their part-time jobs—but I also want them to grow into thoughtful, aware humans who wipe the counter, pick up their socks, and toss the wet towel in the right place. Not for me. For themselves.
And while I can’t control how quickly they get there, I can keep showing up with grace, patience, and the right support.